"Coaches in Life: In need of confidence, motivation or just plain practical advice, stressed-out people are hiring a new class of therapist."
By Lori Teresa Yearwood

Miami Herald
March 20, 2001

The day starts. The day ends. Meanwhile, we do what we think we are supposed to be doing, worry over the endless lists of things we aren't -- and wonder why we can't find the time to do what we think might actually make us happy. "Help!'' we scream. So they step to the sidelines of our lives, helping us by the thousands to find some sense of balance.

They call themselves personal coaches -- a new wave of professionals getting paid an average of $100 an hour to guide us through modern-day life. They are a lot like therapists in that they encourage, motivate and cheer us on.

Can't muster the self-confidence to change careers? Or find the romance you long for? The reasons for hiring a coach range far and wide. But don't expect one of them to sit on a couch and analyze your fears. These people concentrate on the how-toâs, not the how-comes.

"Coaching is all about: 'Let's talk about what isn't working and then let's talk about getting your butt in gear,' '' says Cheryl Richardson, international speaker, coach and author of Life Makeovers and Take Time for Your Life. A regular on the Oprah Winfrey show, Richardson has worked with thousands of stressed-out people. Her conclusion: "As technology advances and the speed of society increases, more and more people are suffering from overstimulation and exhaustion, numbness and overwhelm.''

Twenty years ago, if someone called and you weren't home, the phone simply rang. It was that person's responsibility to call you back. Now we have voice mail, e-mail, faxes and cell phones-- lots of ways for lots of people to add to your long list of things to do.

So we do the only thing we know how to under this kind of bombardment, Richardson says. We shut down. Disconnect. Then wonder why we feel so out of touch, like robots instead of humans.

"The most profound work a coach does is to help people to set up their lives and their environments in such a way that they are protected from the overstimulation,'' Richardson says. "In other words, giving people permission to shut their ringers off on their phones. Or hang 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their office doors.''

Once only an executive perk, the coaching profession is becoming a mainstream trend. Two years ago, the International Coaching Federation, the largest such organization in the world, had 1,300 accredited members. Today that number has reached 10,000. (And those are only the coaches who are accredited.)

A quick overview of clients shows that 69 percent are female and 31 percent male, with the average age 41, and 81 percent holding college degrees. Their average income is $63,000 a year.

"The people who are hiring coaches are people who want to work in partnership with a coach who has worked with hundreds of other people and knows the solution to their problems,'' Richardson concludes. "Because at this point there are enough self-help books, talk shows, seminars, workshops and television shows that most of us know what we need to improve our lives. It's in the doing it that is the problem.''

GETTING UNSTUCK

Randi Rapp, 46, is a mother, wife and social worker who commutes 2 1/2 hours a day from Aventura to her job at the University of Miami.

"I get up at six every morning. I never stop. I'm tired. I don't know how to chill.'' Her cell phone rings as she talks -- over and over and over again. Her husband wants to know when she is going to be home. It is after 7 p.m. She hasn't eaten dinner. She gnaws on a cheese stick, sitting across from her coach, Karen Marcus, as her phone continues to ring. Her eyes flash with panic.

"Your first responsibility is to preserve your own energy and safeguard yourself,'' soothes Marcus, a motivational speaker who works with coaching clients across the United States. "You tell me you want to be free. Do you feel free?''

Rapp shakes her head. She has been working with Marcus for about three months. Tonight, she says, she has come to a big conclusion: Tomorrow morning, she will resign from the university. She says this tentatively at first. "I am ready to try something new,'' she says, breaking into a Cheshire grin.

It has been a long haul for Rapp, who when she hired Marcus, made the frightening commitment to look at her life with total and rigorous honesty. She had made the list of pros and cons of keeping her job. She had written in her journal about what she was giving up in order to maintain two jobs. And when all was revealed, the toll -- not being able to enjoy enough time with her husband and two sons -- felt too high. Thus, Rapp's decision to quit. Marcus gives her a high five.

"I came to Karen thinking I was going to work on all these other things that involved other people,'' Rapp says. "But it turns out I had to work on myself.''

Like any coach willing to dig to the core of her clients' fear, the stickiest challenge Marcus faces is promoting change. Because no matter how much clients say they want it, it's what they fear most.

"When you are standing at Point A and you know you need to get to Point B, there is a tendency to stay in Point A for the simple reason that it is familiar territory,'' Marcus says. "And the truth is that life is all about the journey in between. Because as soon as you get to Point B, it becomes another Point A.'' Which is why, when left to our own devices, so many of us simply freeze in terror. Which is when coaches like Marcus enter the playing field and toss us the term "extreme self-care.'' Which means: "Looking out for yourself with such precision and determination that you have the belief you can do anything you want because you are not going to allow anyone else to chip away at your edge,'' Marcus says.

And it's the most pivotal concept for a client to understand. So Marcus and Richardson, and virtually any other coach, ask that their clients make a list of "tolerations'' -- little things you keep putting off. The warped bathroom door, the overdue taxes, the chip in the kitchen tile, the overflowing desk drawer. "Things you can remove from your life that will open up space for the things that you really want,'' Marcus says. Some might see the concept of extreme self-care as self-centered. Marcus used to. Then she wove the teachings of the First-Century Jewish philosopher, Hillel, into her coaching practice. And that, she says, helps her elevate the idea of self-care to a level that feels spiritual. Said Hillel: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?'' It's tempting to see it as a pipe dream, but the underlying premise of personal coaching is that it really is possible to have what you want.

SUCCESSFUL, LONELY

Before Rick Wolfe began working with a personal coach, he was a successful certified public accountant. In fact, from the outside, his life looked great. At 36, he owned a home in Miami Beach and went to social functions. But on the inside, he felt lonely.

"I had lots of acquaintances, but the quality of the relationships weren't deep enough for me,'' he says. "I had always thought lonely people sat at home alone. But I was busy, really busy, and I was lonely.'' So he turned to a personal coach, who told him that when he went to swim club and band practice he needed to push himself to talk to his colleagues about more than just the event. At first he was nervous and felt awkward. But within months of talking to his coach once a week for an hour, Wolfe -- who volunteered to be social director of the swim team -- felt like he was forming real friendships.

He also put his mind to moving, which he had been putting off because it felt too overwhelming. He just needed the deadlines his coach gave him and the practical advice she offered -- like moving one room at a time.

"Originally, having a coach just kind of created more work. There were deadlines and goals. But I think by doing that, it put it on the top of the list, or somewhere on the list, the things that were really important to me. "And for me, if I didn't have a coach, those things would most likely have fallen off my list.''

HIRING A COACH

So, you want to hire a coach. Be careful. Check that the coach is affiliated with an accredited coaching institution. These training institutions -- which set up and monitor professional standards -- teach coaches how to help people achieve the goals they set for themselves.

When you talk to prospective coaches -- you should interview at least two -- ask them: Have they ever helped someone do what you're trying to do? What is their coaching philosophy? Can they provide a list of references?

TIPS FOR THE HARRIED

These tips, condensed from a self-help pamphlet by Boca Raton business and executive coach Susan Corbett, could help you mimic the personal coach experience:

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